Sushi and Sashimi

I told someone I would write about sushi. So I'm going to describe what some of the most common sushis are made of, for Americans like me who think sushi is all California Rolls and smelly fish. I really like sushi. In fact, the only think I like more than sushi is sashimi, which is basically the Atkins version of sushi. Herein we list some of the major types of sushi (only nigiri), and sashimi. Please refer to the following figure henceforth, we will go across all rows, starting from the top left.

• Sake is rice wine sushi. Sake is an alcoholic drink that everyone drinks at every meal in Japan, including breakfast. By drying all of the water content from the liquor, they are able to solidify it and then add some food coloring in order to make it look orange, like salmon.
• Maguro is sea shepherd sushi. Tuna is highly sought after, so much that it's been overfished, and Sea Shepherd, the pirate (not private) organization, started to offer some of their own members' flesh to stop people from overfishing tuna. Luckily, you can't tell the difference.
• Ebi is kofteh sushi. It is named after Persian singer Ebrahim Hamedi, whose nickname is Ebi, and whose favorite food is kofteh. Instead of forming the kofteh into balls or spears, they form it into the shape resembling a shrimp, and the part that resembles a shrimp's tail is made from some type of traditional Persian nougat, called Gaz.
• Tai is whitebait from Tai Lake in China sushi. Tai Lake is a lake in China. There's a lot of fish there, but it's unclear whether the fish from there is clean or not due to pollution. China is the expert at cultivating freshwater fish. It's also close to where I was born. But remember, I am American. They grind up the whitebait and solidify it and then color it to make it look like snapper.
• Tako is carnitas sushi. For some reason, the only type of taco some dude had was carnitas, so he assumed that all tacos only contain carnitas, and then spelled it wrong. Luckily, it tastes good. They grind up the carnitas, and then use transglutaminase to congeal everything. Then they dye it and make it look like octopus.
• Tobiko is spherified tobacco sushi. They use molecular gastronomy techniques to turn ground up tobacco into small spheres, resembling flying fish roe. These come in all colors of the rainbow, and don't taste fishy at all. Somehow, they spelled tobacco wrong.
• Hokkigai is glutinous rice sushi. In Hakka cuisine, glutinous rice is used very often in many dishes, both sweet and savory. They grind the rice up, congeal it using its stickiness, and then dye it so that it looks like surf clam. Somehow, they spelled Hakka wrong.
• Unagi is MSG sushi. Umami is the flavor that is imparted by MSG, or monosodium glutamate. They grind up the MSG, congeal it, and then dye it so that it looks like freshwater eel. In this case, there is a great umami flavor, but lots of oils are added as well. For some reason, they misspelled umami.
• Saba is sugarcane sushi. Saba is an island in the Netherlands Antilles, where there was an abundance of sugarcane in the 17th and 18th century. They mostly made rum, and they decided to name this type of sushi after this island. They grind up the sugarcane, congeal it, and then dye it to make it look like mackerel.
• Tamago is chicken bone sushi. You all know what chicken is. In an attempt to be clever, they decided to grind up chicken bones, and then congeal it and then dye it yellow to make it look like an omelet.
• Inari is fox sushi. Inari is the resident Shinto deity of fertility, rice, tea, sake (mentioned above), agriculture, and industry, and is presumed to be a standard fox. They take this fox, grind it up, and then use transglutaminase to crosslink the proteins to make it solid. Then, they shave off small slices of this, and then marinate it, just like they would marinate tofu skin. Luckily, they don't need to dye it since it's already the correct color.
• Hotate is pemmican sushi. It's named after Ken Hotate, of the show Parks and Recreation. Ken Hotate is a Native American of the Wamapoke tribe. One of their traditional foods is pemmican, which is basically a concentrated mixture of various fats and proteins. They bleach it to make it look like a scallop adductor muscle.
• Toro is bull sushi. "Toro" is what young bullfighters yell to try to get the attention of the bull that they're fighting. After the bullfighter wins, they kill the bull, grind it up, use transglutaminase to congeal it, and then dye it to look like fatty tuna belly. In the case that the bullfighter loses and is gored, they substitute the bullfighter for the bull.
• Uni is spelt sushi. Uni is the supreme goddess of the Etruscan peoples. The Etruscans didn't leave behind much information about their cuisine, but it's known that they used spelt very often. They grind up the spelt, and then dye it to make it look like sea urchin roe.
• Ikura is spherified salmon egg sushi. They harvest the eggs from salmon, and then they grind up the eggs into powder, and then they spherify everything and then make everything look like salmon eggs again. I have no idea why they do this, because they could have just served the salmon eggs as is already.

And remember, this is how you should always eat sushi. Remember to bow a bunch of times for no reason, and remember to thank people a lot and say sorry for no reason:

And remember, if you need any actual knowledge about sushi, food, or parks in Japan, please visit this blog: http://noahintokyo.blogspot.com/.